How may times have I heard moms say this? Usually it involves a preteen or teenage son. Often dad is not there, perhaps because of divorce. Mom is left alone with the kids.
I hope this article will shed some light on the subject so that both sons and moms can understand each other better-and love and not resent each other. I will address single and divorced moms, though my advice should prove enlightening for any mom or parent to be.
First of all, I understand that it is difficult to raise a child when you are a single mom. I have compassion for your situation. I wish your husband were there for you. But he is not. So I have to deal with the topic at hand.
There is an old expression: the boy is father to the man. And in keeping with this truism, a boy wants to someday be a man.
A boy wants to begin doing the things a man can do. He wants to be competent and good at something. He wants to be strong and courageous. He wants to know how to do things and fix things. We wants to be worthy of respect. He wants to one day be a good provider. He wants to be a man.
It is tough if dad is not there. It helps if there are role models around: teachers, neighbors, coaches, a good older brother, uncle, or grandpa.
But no matter how many or few role models there are around, a boy needs opportunities to be a man (albeit a young man).
Now, it takes a very wise and perceptive mom to be cognizant of the above and to defer a little and give him a chance to lead.
Many ladies do not realize what a force they are. It is easy to be bossy. It is easy for a mom, being older and being far more verbally skilled, to always be right. It is easy to always win the argument with your child. It is easy to accuse and berate. It even happens that a mom will unconsciously resent her son because he is a male (like other men she has resented) and who reminds her of them by the mere fact that he is a male.
Having experience violence or use at the hands of a man, it is tempting to put down her son. I'm sorry to have to say this. But it does happen and has to be mentioned.
Even the best of parents has a tendency to become a bit bossy and authoritarian at times. When we were kids we were bossed around. It feels good to turn around and do it to someone else. And yes, big brothers, big sisters, baby sitters, and aunts can and often are bossy too.
Mom gets used to issuing orders and commands. Being directive (as long as it is with kindness) is appropriate for little kids, who need direction. But when kids get older, delegation is often in order. When an older boy or girl is told what to do, there is no space for self direction. But self direction and the development of independence, self motivation, and responsibility are what older kids need.
Perhaps you can have some sympathy for the plight of the boy. Surrounded by mostly women authorities, and being bossed around, he hardly has a chance to be a man.
A wise mom (who has self esteem and love) will sometimes let her son lead. Remember the old fashioned style of dancing (such as ball room or square dancing)? The man leads. If mom occasionally lets her older son lead when it comes to a few decisions around the home, it is actually a gracious and noble thing.
If a boy has a chance to be the man of the family, serving as big brother to siblings, watching out for them, fixing things, and even sharing in decision making-you would be surprised how many will rise to the occasion.
It takes wisdom, grace and a lot of love to stand back and let the young man be protective and helpful. But it must not be too obvious. I love the old television shows (such as Andy of Mayberry, Leave It to Beaver, or Father Knows Best). They show how a parent can be vigilant without being intrusive. I love the old series The Big Valley, where the main character (played by Barbara Stanwyck) is the matriarch of a powerful California ranch family. She shows how to be strong but not pushy, and both competent and gracious. She had self esteem. Because she was not over-bearing, her kids were strong and had self esteem too.
It is amazing how much wisdom was written into these old television shows. For example, they often have a story about the parents sometimes secretly watching what one of the children is doing, but pretending not to see.
They stay in the shadows, vigilant and observant, ready to help out or even take charge if necessary-but hoping the child will do what is right on her own..
And even if the child makes a mistake (the parents watch to make sure that nothing really bad happens), it is a learning experience. The child was allowed to handle it himself (though the parents were quietly on guard). Another win-win is when the child sees for himself that he is in over his head and comes to the parents for advice.
There is even a passage in the Bible where it says that Mary watched her son from the distance and held things in her heart. Not everything has to be said. Some things are guarded in the heart. Nor does everything need to be said right away. People need a little space to discover for themselves.
Finally here' is one of my favorite helpful hints for parents, and especially moms (since most single parent homes are headed by moms). I heard one of America's top family experts casually state this gem as an aside. When I heard it, I immediately knew it was right and have never forgotten it.
He said this to parents, and especially parents of teenagers: "Don't be so confrontational."
When a parent disproves of something that a child has done, there is a tendency to get right in his face.
Not only is this painful to watch, and even more painful to be on the receiving end of, it tempts the child to become angry, or to become a wimp with secret hostility.
Give them some space. Remember the cute song "Talk to the Animals" from the movie Dr. Doolittle.
Talk to the family pet, talk to the pictures on the wall, talk to the stuffed animals on the shelf. Tell them what is going on. Say it so that your child can overhear what you are saying to the stuffed teddy bear on the shelf:
Say to the teddy bear: "I don't know what to do. I've got company coming in half an hour, but John (the 12 year old son in question) says he has to go next door. I need someone to help me vacuum the living room. Jane is at ballet. I have to prepare food. Oh, what am I going to do?"
You would be surprised how many times, after a few minutes go by, John, (who overheard your conversation with the bear), will suddenly appear and say: "Mom, I heard you tell bear about your dilemma. I gave it some thought, and I decided I better call Joey and tell him I can't come over because I've got to help my mom!" He realized it himself, grew in character, and will feel good about himself--all because you gave him the space to see it for himself.
In conclusion, boys need opportunities for work, for competition, and for sports. A boy needs to have something that he feels competent doing. If possible the activities should be real: not looking at pictures of hiking, but hiking; not just watching a movie about swimming, but really swimming. Most importantly, he needs opportunities to lead and make decisions. What better place to learn than at home under the wise and gentle tutelage of his parent?
Roland Trujillo M.S., life coach and author, is Director of the Center For Common Sense Counseling and host of the popular Coach Roland internet radio show on Blogtalk Radio. Coach Roland offers solutions and tools for dealing with stress and improving family relationships. Roland will soon celebrate 30 years of teaching and 20 years on the air. Roland's secret recipes for parenting success always include a heaping teaspoon of patience and a generous sprinkling of laughter. Find out more by visiting http://www.parentmoment.com. You will find free resources and valuable information. Coach Roland has been helping people for 30 years. Perhaps he can help you too.
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